Folks, let’s chat about Wix and Squarespace, those drag-and-drop darlings of the web world that promise a website faster than you can say “I don’t know a pixel from a pickle”. But let me tell you, relying on these platforms is like expecting a microwave meal to taste like Gordon Ramsay’s home cooking – it’s just not bloody happening.

1. Cookie-Cutter Catastrophes

First up, if you fancy your brand as unique as a unicorn in a three-piece suit, then Wix and Squarespace will give you the uniqueness of a white crayon in a snowstorm. These platforms churn out websites like a factory line of bland biscuits. Your visitors will yawn so hard, they’ll need a jaw massage.

2. SEO as Effective as a Chocolate Teapot

SEO? More like Seriously Enigmatic Obstacles. If you want your website to be seen by actual human beings and not just your mum and your cat, then these platforms are about as useful as a knitted condom. They have the SEO punch of a feather in a hurricane.

3. Customisation Confusion

Attempting to customize your site on these platforms? Good luck, you’ll need a PhD in “Drag-and-Drop-ology”. Want a feature they don’t offer? Well, you might as well wish for a winning lottery ticket stapled to a unicorn’s forehead.

4. Speed – Slower than a Snail on Sedatives

Website loading times on Wix and Squarespace move at the pace of a sloth swimming through treacle. Your visitors will age a decade waiting for your homepage to appear, and by then, they’ve lost interest and knitted a scarf.

5. Cost – Hidden Charges Lurking Like a Landlord

They lure you in with the promise of being cheap, but by the time you’ve added the features you need, you’ll be emptying your pockets faster than if you were mugged by a gang of pickpocketing pixies.

So, what’s the moral of this story? If you want a website that reflects your brand’s personality and doesn’t make Google’s search bots laugh themselves into oblivion, steer clear of these online oddities. Stick around for Part Two, where I’ll spill the tea on why these platforms might just break your heart (and your wallet).